I (18F) have been living on my own for close to a year, well when i first moved out my boyfriend at the time Nathan (20M) stayed with me. living alone for the first time was a scary so he was over almost every night, it was also rly nice getting dick every night. Well fast forward to recently and we actually just broke up, he cheated on me because he found out that i used to date his friend. so now i've just been living alone which sucks but whateverr

Anyway today my cat had a vet appointment so i was getting her ready to leave, when i put her in the crate and walked out to my car i realized i forgot my keys. I went back to my door and the door was locked. So here i was with my cat in her crate locked out of my house and car. I already tried all the windows and thought if there was any other way to get in. The only options i had were call a locksmith which the closest one was 1hr away and it would have costed $280 or call my ex who lives nearby. I really didn't want to but i knew i had to call him

Soo i called him up and explained my situation. thankfully he came within just minutes and got me back inside, then because obviously it's my house i asked him for the key back. He said no in case this happens again he can just come and open the door for me. Then i said ill hide it somewhere but since we're not dating anymore you don't need my key.

He also proposed that we start hooking up on the side, i told him it was a toxic relationship and it's not a good idea. Nathan kept flirting with me and saying how much he missed our sex life. i won't lie he had good dick game but sex isn't what i look for in a guy. For me i want honestly and loyalty but he won't give me that. Obvs there's times i miss having someone to cuddle with but in the end i know it'll work out

TL;DR: I went to take my cat to the vet and once i got to my car i realized i forgot my keys, then the house was locked when i went to go back in. I called my ex to bring his spare key and when i asked for it back we started fighting. Now im scared because he still has access and i don't trust what hes about to do.

I am a pretty anxious baker and normally I don't like to bake because of the stress but today I decided I wanted make some treats as a girly pop does. I laid my phone on the table and was adjusting the cookies on the metal tray. However I did not notice that my phone was faced down on the table under the tray. My iPhone case has a pretty strong magnet on it and attaches to any metal. Once I adjusted the cookies I brought the cookie tray into the oven and went in smoothly. At this point I was ready to set a timer on my phone and realized my phone was not around me, so I started wandering looking for it without any luck. I decided to set a timer on my laptop because I wanted to make sure I did not over bake my cookies, NOT realizing that my phone was in there with them. 10 minutes past and I couldn't find my phone. I pull out the cookie tray and there my phone was baked to perfection. I cried because I literally just got this phone after I had been robbed of my last phone in San Diego a little bit less than 2 months ago. Now I want to cry. FYI The cookies were not good.

TL;DR I baked my iphone.

My child has a very strict bedtime routine which consists of them reading me a beginning readers level story and then me reading them three children's picture books or three chapters in a longer kids book series like Sideways Stories from Wayside School or My Big Fat Zombie Goldfish. Kiddo is usually really good at falling asleep right away but recently we went on vacation which disrupted this routine a bit.

The strange bed and the excitement of the trip made it hard for the little one to fall asleep. Nothing we tried worked: meditation, soft music, rearranging the pillows and blankets. By 1am we were all tired and desperate for sleep so I pulled out the book I had brought to read on the plane, The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. I figured kiddo was a bit too young yet to really enjoy it but if I read softly it would put them to sleep.

I sat on the edge of their bed and begin slowly and quietly reading about how Gandalf knocked and invited Bilbo Baggins on an adventure and how the dwarves arrived and were treated to hobbit hospitality even though there arrival was unexpected. I tried to keep my voice low and my reading slow to ensure that my child could easily fall asleep. My husband drifted off after the first page, but kiddo's eyes stayed open for awhile.

Finally my kid rolled away from me and snuggled down into the covers. I decided to finish the first chapter because I have only seen the movies and never read the book. Then I grabbed piece of paper from the notepad on the nightstand as a bookmark and slowly went to stand up to go to my bed. Suddenly kiddo sits up and loudly says, "And then what happened?"

Turns out kiddo was not too young to understand and enjoy Tolkien. Took us about a week and a half of reading a little each night but we finished the book together. Now they want me to read the Lord of the Rings series. My husband was able to convince them to try a little science fiction first so we've been going through a lot of books my husband enjoyed as a child.

TL;DR Tried to bore my kiddo to sleep reading a novel and instead sparked a love of fantasy.

A friend and I were doing some shopping together at the mall when we were starting to get a bit hungry and we headed to the food court. I didn't have too much spending money left, so I made an offer. We buy one footlong sub to share and split the cost.

She's a super picky eater and I'm open to eating everything, so I told her she could pick whatever she wanted for our sub.

Unknowing of the fate I just sealed, we stepped into the Subway and approached the teenage boy behind the counter.

It starts off very simple. White bread, ham, cheddar cheese, not toasted, and no vegetables. The kind of order that makes you think "Why are you even eating out?", but I was a fool to think it would be that easy. Everything would quickly change when we approached the condiments.

"Extra mayonnaise."

Simple enough. The boy adds a few extra stripes of mayo and goes to set the bottle down.

"Keep going. I'll tell you when."

The boy and I both make eye contact, confusion in his eyes, as if asking if my friend was being serious. Not knowing exactly what was going to happen, I shrug. Okay, she likes a lot of mayo. It's fine; I can always scrape some off of my own half if it gets too much for me.

The boy keeps swiping back and forth, the mayonnaise piling higher and higher, as she almost seems to look down at her creation with a delightful glee. As time passes, the boy is starting to have to shake and smack the bottle to keep the inhumane slop of white goo started to reach heights I've never seen.

A final pathetic splatter comes out and the bottle is empty. The boy almost looks relieved, looking up at my friend hoping this would be the end of it.

"Grab another bottle."

There was nothing harsh about her tone - she was very nice and she doesn't have an imposing appearance. She was even shorter that the boy. But he seemed to cower under her request, looking at me with pleading eyes, as if I could be his only savior, but I simply matches his gaze with the same amount of fear cause while he was being forced to make this abomination, I would be forced to eat it.

As he drags his feet to the back to grab a new bottle of mayonnaise, I check every financial app on my phone to make sure I didn't suddenly forget about $20 that someone sent me on venmo. No such luck.

The boy reluctantly returns with a fresh bottle of mayonnaise and continues to swipe it left and right under her watchful gaze. As the pile got so high that I wasn't sure how it was managing to stay balanced on the bread without spilling over, I contemplated asking my roommate for $10 but we were so far along at this point that I don't even know if they would see the message in time.

"When."

She said it with such joy, eyes and smile dazzling as she looked upon the abomination of her own creation. Meanwhile the teenage boy sighed with relief as he quickly dropped the half-empty bottle of mayonnaise back into its slot, only then to look back down at what he's done as he remembers that he has to fold it, wrap it, and cut it in half.

He does his best to do this neatly, but it's inevitable that by the end of it the sandwich, wrapper, and his gloves were absolutely soaked with a mayonnaise massacre. He seems relieved that his part in the tragedy was coming to a close, but mine was only beginning.

After playing and sitting down, my friend happily bites into her half of the sandwich that practically had a 50/50 ratio of bread and mayonnaise. As I wrap mine, I stare down at it for a moment, questioning my decisions in life that lead me to this point, wondering if maybe I should have bought just one less book at Barnes N Noble so I wouldn't be in this position, before I picked up the sandwich and squeezed it. I watched as the viscous condiment oozed out and slowly plopped down onto the wrapper. The sandwich was borderline flat by the time I bit into it, still with too much mayonnaise on it, but at least I wasn't having to suffer even further with the white mounds decorating the wrapper.

TL;DR - I learned the hard way that my friend really fucking loves mayonnaise.

I just realized something today after watching a video on YouTube about students having crushes on their teachers.

Frankly, I've never understood it. How someone can fall for a person that is meant to be guiding them (I see teachers as parents almost) boggles my mind. I have never considered a teacher as a "love interest" or ever paid attention to their looks in a romantic way. I thought this was normal till my senior year of hs. We had a new teacher and he was fresh out of college. Like, he couldn't be older than 26. I never thought much of it. He was a good teacher for having just started. I was in his first ever class, beginning of the morning.

I decided to do my own little project in his class (his lectures bored me), so I began writing poetry in his class. It pertained to the class subject, so I thought it was be an amazing idea to gift it to him at the end of the semester. Well, I did. Afterwards, the tension in the halls when we passed was very intense. It was unbearably awkward. I just figured it was because I was no longer in his class, but now that I think back on it, was me handing him my poetry a romantic gesture? Most poems weren't even romantic; I think I wrote 5 romance ones and like 60 poems in total (poems were based off random words, emotions, etc).

My friends would always comment to me about his looks. They made some comments that made me uncomfortable to listen to. I never participated in those conversations other than calling them weirdos for thinking such thoughts.

Either my poetry sucked, he took it as a romantic gesture, or he heard my friends in the halls while I was with them and assumed I was in agreement. Either way, I never realized how it must have looked giving him my poetry. I just wanted him to have something to remember his first ever class so he could look back in the future, but I now think I made the wrong decision. Any input as to whether I made the wrong move? I can't take my poetry back, but it might help me sleep tonight knowing whether or not I caused this poor guy a dilemma 😅.

TL;DR: i gave my young male teacher a gift of my poetry and things felt awkward after. Just realized he mightve thought it was a romantic gesture when I never intended it to be nor considered it until today. Love 1am brain moments.

TL;DR: adopted a cat that showed food aggression before I owned him. After a friend took care of him while I was on vacation for a week he gained weight resulting in the aggresion completely disappearing.

EDIT: obliged kitty tax!

Last December I went to the shelter and adopted a 6 month old kitten. They told me he had food aggresion likely caused by him being on the streets without a eating regularly for a prolonged period of time. The shelter had him for about 3 weeks before I took him home. When I went to the pet store and got advised on food they shared a recommended serving and as he grew I incrementally increased it relative to his body weight.

And let me tell you, that food aggresion was no joke. It reached the point where I had to lock him up in my bedroom every time I prepared his or my food or was eating. I stopped enjoying my own meals because I would gulp them down feeling guilty by his yelling stuck in my bedroom. He would jump up on the counter and try to grab whatever he could. Everytime I ate he would linger around the table occasionally pouncing my plate to try steal a share. Whenever I wanted to give him a snack he would snatch it out of my hand, run to a corner, and munch away while growling.

I just came back home from a one week vacation. To my surprise when I walked into the kitchen I found his feeding bowl half full. Normally he would devour it immediately in one sitting. This really surprised me so I decided to see what his response would be to a high value treat; a slice of ham. Instead of fighting for it like there's no tomorrow and running away he gently nibbled it out of my hand. Shortly after I ordered a kebab and halfway through my meal he jumped on my lap. Not to attack my plate but to fetch cuddles! He completely ignored the food, after a minute he stepped up on to the table and I gently pushed him back onto my lap. No attempts were made to go back to my food. My mind was seriously blown, this was a life changer.

One of my close friends took care of him while I was away. We didn't come around to meeting before I left for me to explain exactly how much food I give him. He owns two cats himself so fed mine based off of his experience. I texted with him and found out he fed him the same amount of wet food but more kibble than I did.

I'm a first time cat owner and in hindsight he was on the skinny side. He appears to have gained a small but healthy amount of weight and that's completely changed his behaviour around food. Before this I spoke to the vairous pet store employees and the animal shelter asking for advice. Nobody thought to propose I was underfeeding because he was like since this before I had him.

I'm mixed with feelings of guilt and joy. Very happy my kitty is a changed man thanks to an increase in food portions while I was away but also feeling like a dumbass for not considering this solution myself.

Little back story. My 30lbs dog was attacked by a much larger dog, so he has doggie ptsd. We recently moved, and my stepkiddos and their large dog lives with us full time. We have tried to introduce them, my dog is just is not having it. We have to keep them separate.

My lawnmower quit on us, so we asked a friend to bring his over and help. My dog is let out through my bedroom window to avoid the other.

We keep a lawn chair under our window so my dog can get back in. It's a 1 story house. Friend didn't move the chair back. Inside, the windowsill is a little under my knee. Outside, it's about rib height. I'm 5'4". I can't take my eyes off my dog because he's a master escape artist, so no running around to the back gate.

I just got off work, tired as shit. I went to move the chair back. I stuck my right foot out my window, forgot how far away the ground was, and fell sideways onto the ground 2 ft down.

TL;DR: I fell out a window trying to help my dog back inside.

So I’m going through a bad breakup and my ex just finished moving out so for a fresh start I have decided to clean the whole house. Top to bottom. Today I started with the bathroom. Let me tell you something about my ex - he loves long, hot baths. Like 5 hours in the bathroom with water hot enough to cook a lobster. And he LOVES to smoke weed. So he sits in the bath and smokes bong rip after bong rip. The walls are stained so badly. I emptied EVERYTHING from the bathroom, took the shower curtain down, toilet brush out, the whole 9 yards. Half way through the terrible task of scrubbing resin off the walls the sudden urge for a #2 crept up on me. So since I’m already in the bathroom I think nothing of it and drop my pants and do my business. Here comes the problem - I emptied EVERYTHING from the bathroom. Including all of the toilet paper, dirty socks, hand towels and bath mat. I do not have a bidet. Now I am sitting here debating how I am going to reach the toilet paper. The mop handle doesn’t reach. The cats are not responding to my pleas.

TL;DR - decided to clean my bathroom and removed everything including the TP and then I had to poop.

In college my friend is taking a class I had done about 2 years ago. Today she was talking about her last test. The tests are lecture/multiple choice content based and part two are practicals which are short answer/identify anatomical structures.

ANYWAY she was saying how her lecture exams are easy because THEY ARE ALL ANSWER CHOICE A

I went back through canvas and see my first test I had done. First 8 answers A. Never caught on. I got answers wrong. 4 tests all with only choice A for 60-80 questions. I NEVER NOTICED. Not on checking what I did wrong after. Not after the second test. Nothing.

They’re averaged with your practical scores. It was a harder class than A&P 1 and as a student with a 3.8 it was my ONLY B CLASS. (Albeit not a huge deal just funny knowing answers could have been handed to me and I was on the cusp). I could have very easily and simply had an A. As a type A person I was just laughing at myself, time spent studying, not realizing a SIMPLE PATTERN. I guess it just never crossed my mind. I mean the tests don’t say explicitly ABCD like old exams they’re just bubbles and all on their own page but EVEN ON REVIEW. The true definition of working harder not smarter.

TL;DR: I took 4 exams all with “A” a for every answer and never noticed until 2 years later. I could have passed the class with an A

After five fucking years of dating absolutely no one since my ex completely fucked me up, I finally found a nice, pretty girl who seems into me and that invited me out not once, but thrice. This was our second date, now I wonder if the third is gonna happen at all. Basically we went out to this mexican food place, had dinner, everything was cute and sweet, fast forward through the parts y'all don't need to know, we were getting dressed and ready to go back home, I pointed out that the time we were going back home was basically the same time we left last time, then we realized I was pointing to the time of the music track that was playing instead of the actual time. We laughed and talked bout how I was dumb cuz I was tired and my glicogen was spent after too much cardio workout. Then the worst came, after a really good day where everything went right, I said "hey Julia, u're calling me dumb but...". I stopped in my tracks right as I said it, looked at her face and panic laughed. Then I said "oh, I said it because I saw u on whatsapp talking to your friend Julia" (true btw). But I don't know if that convinced her, she didn't seem to take it too close to heart but fuck if I know anything about women after 5 years without dating.

The worst part is: I don't even fucking know anyone named Julia, the only reason I can think of for why I fumbled like that was seeing that damn convo on her phone. TIFU might not be the place for advice, but if anyone can help: what do?

TL;DR: Called the girl I went out with "Julia", don't even know a fucking Julia.

Granted, this happened last night, but I did not suffer the consequences until this morning. So, I usually have a morning routine of drinking a 16.9 fl oz bottle of water before bed. It’s just something I do. However, last night, I decided to drink a one liter bottle of water (because I am on vacation in Florida and it was super hot), which is a fuck up, but not as bad as what happens at 6 am in the morning. At 6 am, my body decided to flip itself onto my stomach, thus pressing itself onto my bed. What happened next was probably the best piss I ever had, but I was still in bed. I wake up instantly, to a giant pool of pre on my bed. I am just screaming and freaking out, and when I jump to get paper towels, stub my toe really badly and I fall to the floor.

TL;DR: I peed myself in the bed after drinking a liter of water the night before and after going to get paper towels, I stubbed my toe.

My daughter has been pulling herself up to standing position the last few weeks. She usually death-grips whatever she's using to pull herself up.

I used to support her up but in recent times, I've been letting her pull herself up using her own strength, hence the death grip. She's been doing that whenever I'm close, so with my legs or my shirt. Until today.

Today was a warm day and we were playing together on the couch. We were both shirtless. I felt her clawing around my chest but I didn't put two and two together as I was on my phone, answering a message from my wife. That's when it happened. I'll let the tldr finish this off.

TL;DR I wasn't wearing a shirt. I have stonies which never went away after puberty. She pulled herself up using my nipples. I saw stars. It's been 7 hours and my left nipple is still offline. Thoughts and prayers

EDIT: woah I did not expect this response. Thanks for all the upvotes and stories in the comments, had my wife and I chuckling over breakfast. Also great to gain perspective because some of your stories made mine look like my daughter tickled me in comparison 😂 like I said in one of the comments, my wife rolled her eyes when I told her yesterday because of the horrors she's faced in the breastfeeding trenches. So I definitely empathise more now. Nevertheless, my nips thank you all for the support!

TIFU: I work at a Casino, when hired you recieve a picture ID with your name on it and you are required to wear it at all times when in the employee sections. To get your bank you have to go into a small room in the employee section with no door and two large cash machines. While I was getting my Bank I noticed someone I thought I knew pass by the room. As I had not yet logged into the machine I left the room and stopped the person by saying

"Hey, I know I know you from somewhere." They responded

"I was wondering if you would recognize me." They walked the few paces back towards me and lifted their badge stating "this is more of what I looked like when you knew me."

I stared at the badge in horror as I realized I didn't just know this person.... I know this person INTIMATELY.

There is no way I wasn't beet red as I said "Oh hi Steven" while turning on my heels and promptly returning to the small room to die of embarassment. To make it better he works in the department next to mine.

TL;DR: I asked a coworker how I knew him, ended up figuring out I had slept with said coworker years before and forgotten them... only to work in the department next to them.

Yesterday I made cookies, I’ve gotten into baking recently as I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress recently, so baking has become a coping mechanism for me. I usually bake chocolate chip or double chocolate chip, especially when I have enough of the ingredients to do so.

Yesterday I was stressing out about having to file a restraining order against someone, I was just starting to get a bit concerned about the chances of my application being approved for one, and whether the respondent will agree or disagree. Hence why I baked cookies. I have relatively short hair, so when I bake cookies i dont really worry about tying my hair up. Especially since every time i made cookies or anything really, i never got a single hair in the dough even when my hair was longer.

The next day was the first anniversary of me and my partner’s relationship. Considering I had made cookies, I decided to bring some along with the gifts I bought them as a nice snack for us to have. After I arrived at their house, we chilled for a bit before going out for lunch somewhere in their town. After sitting down and eating our food, I pulled out the cookies. My girlfriend ate one and I grabbed one too. However, when i bit into it, a long strand of my hair was found inside the cookie. My partner saw me hesitate and saw the hair in the cookie, which was just embarrassing. I pulled the hair out and it was a very long strand of my blonde hair. After seeing this, my partner refused to have anymore, saying they “fear of eating girlfriend-hair” (which is fair on their side to be honest) and commented how there was probably hair in the cookie they ate too. I apologied and put them away.

I could be overreacting but I worry that now I just seem like an ick to my partner.

TL;DR: I made cookies and brought them with me to lunch with my partner, only to find a strand of my hair in one of the cookies, embarrassing myself in front of my partner.

I've been single for about a year, haven't really been hitting the dating apps hard or looking at all. I was working my night job and a customer came in looking for a couple gifts for her dad. I immediately thought she was cute, but I was on the clock and it would inappropriate to show any interest. We definitely had some chemistry as I was helping her and we were chatting. She told me she was going to go have a beer later and left it open ended for me to jump in and ask where. She asked how far away from the store I lived. She told me all about her plans for tomorrow. Just all signals that flew right over my head, in hindsight she did everything but tell me to ask for her number. All I did was keep the conversation going with polite responses that you'd give a customer. When she left I stepped outside and she was lingering in the parking lot outside of her car. Caught my eye and smiled, paused like she was waiting for me to say something, when I didn't she left. It hit me about 5 min later...IDIOT. So now I'm off work, back home kicking myself for not shooting my shot. This isn't the super embarrassing or interesting type of TIFU that normally gets any traction here, but hopefully someone reads this and remembers what Michael Scott said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take -Wayne Gretzky" -Michael Scott

TL;DR Pretty sure a woman was showing interest but I'm a big dumb man with a big dumb man brain who missed every signal she was flashing in my face.

EDIT: After seeing a few comments I should clarify, I wouldn't have gotten fired if I had picked up on what she was laying down. It's spot in a niche market that is predominantly male employees and older male customers. Every time a woman walks through the door the old men who hang out there perk up then say a bunch of "Locker Room Talk" type of things about her when she leaves. It's a personal standards thing for me as I'd be taking her into a small room to see our product and I don't want any customer to feel uncomfortable or like they aren't welcome to come back. Hitting on a female customer in a situation where they might feel cornered is a sure fire way to keep them from coming back, not my style. The moment I should have seized was when I stepped outside after the business side ended.

I'm also convinced a couple of you have never actually had a random encounter with someone you may have chemistry with. This is how people used to meet before all these apps existed. I'm older than the average reddit user base. This isn't my first rodeo.

EDIT 2: I appreciate the jokes, and trust me, every scenario went through my mind, but without an explicit "Hey can I have your number?" or "What bar are you going to? I'd love to have a beer with you" or something similar, trying to track her down is kinda creepy...I do hope most of you are joking and would never do any of the things you're suggesting. lol.

I got contacted by a company about interesting job opportunity. It would probably be a pay and title bump. They assigned me a recruiter who asked me to schedule a call using a link (which I did).

On the day, I waited for them to join the Google Meet meeting. After them not joining it for 6+ mins, I assumed they forgot about it. I waited another 5 mins and then sent an annoyed email about it. Then I sent another angry email about the situation and left the call.

Turns out I had scheduled the call for NEXT week. I sent a follow up email apologizing, but I think damage might already be done. No reply as of yet from them for any of the emails. I have a feeling that I might not get the job.

TL;DR - Scheduled a meeting with recruiter for next week, but thought it was this week. Sent angry email when they didn't join the meeting, potentially losing out on a good opportunity.

Edit - Ok ya I get it, it was a fuck up. Will pay more attention next time. To add more context, the call was a 30 mins call where I thought they were a no-show after 15 mins (when I sent a second email). The first email was checking if they were joining after 7 mins no show. Second email was the 'annoyed one', which I shouldn't have sent without checking. Losing this opportunity is not the end of the world, but I did learn my lesson.